Become an Insider. Enter Email Address. Facebook Pinterest Twitter Youtube Instagram. T here's nothing new, per se, about the swingers' lifestyle. Thinking about the term conjures feathered hair, key parties, fondue, and maybe things your parents did in the '70s you don't need to know about. And, it means the same thing then as it does now. Related Stories. Tags: Relationship Tips. Our editors independently select these products. Loading More Posts Photo: Getty Images. Dealing with Jealousy Just like traditional monogamy is not for everyone, so is non-monogamy.
Bottom Line For some couples who are sexually curious, opening up or swinging can improve their relationship. Celebrity Relationships. TBH, I dealt with these feelings of guilt and shame for about 10 years after we opened our marriage until a couples therapist helped me work through them.
Sometimes both of us but usually just me would meet strangers at social gatherings called munches and play with lovers and friends in dark clubs full of St. But after a year of trying to navigate the confusing social hierarchy that punished members in the BDSM scene for not being experienced enough, I realized power exchanges and submitting to unworthy men who were just in it for the conquest was so not for me.
It offered the privacy I craved to mask the shame I felt for participating in something society told me was wrong. I needed to believe him when he said he was cool with our dynamic—that I was hooking up with more people than he was. Would we have had such a rocky start if I had known 1 in 5 American couples were happily engaging in some form of ethical non-monogamy?
Probably not. In all honesty, I knew about swinging solely from the punchlines of sitcom jokes, as the wacky solution for failing marriages. Up until that point, I thought swinging was only for weird! When I finally did embrace swinging, I found a warm, welcoming community of people my age—which was a totally validating reminder that relationships are never one-size-fits-all. Let me back up for a sec. Swinging, which falls under the non-monogamy umbrella, means swapping partners or playing with your own partner while others play nearby.
It is a tool that is meant to accomplish many things and that is why it feels so awesome. We know this, but we often want to reject it in order to pursue a sexual impulse or fantastical desire. How Sex Happens An examination of human physiology reveals some interesting facts. In modern western culture we are sophisticated enough to understand that some things happen to our bodies when we participate in the sex act, particularly when we climax.
One of the things that happens is the release of hormones. Both males and females release the hormone oxytocin. Now that might not sound very sexy, but understand that oxytocin is a bonding hormone. When two people join together sexually and experience climax, this hormone is released and is meant to bond the two together. Further, after sex males experience a hormone called vasopressin. Oxytocin and vasopressin are part of what make us want to stay bonded with a mate in order to rear a family together.
Advocates for multiple sex partners and the Lifestyle may want to remove these physiological realities from the sex act, but it is impossible. Climax serves the purpose of bonding the two partners together for the long haul.
Scientists studying these chemicals theorize that the more sex a couple has, the more bonded they become. When you participate in the sex act with multiple partners you diminish the effects and decrease your chances of bonding with your partner. You increase your chances of bonding with partners outside your marriage, despite all the rules the Lifestyle advocates set in place to govern sexual activity without outsiders. And because the effects of sexual climax involve many other brain chemicals which involve pleasure such as dopamine and opioids, you create within yourself the possibility of an addictive draw towards sex and sex with multiple partners.
I mean, did you catch that? As in opiates, as in, strong chemical reactions akin to the euphoria of recreational drugs. It is, at least in part, a matter of science. More Than Sex Yet there is something within most people that understands we transcend mere science. The neuroscience behind sexual acts is one thing and the reality of the soul-ties involved in sex is another. Despite all our troubles throughout human history with sexual monogamy and sexual fidelity, the vast majority of us long for this and hope to find it.
Even many who refuse to call the Lifestyle what it is—sinful—still do not want to live it out in their own lives.
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